Difficult Conversations - Ground Your Identity: Ask Yourself What’s at Stake

Three core identities:

• am i a good person?
• am i competent?
• am i worthy of love?

all-or-nothing thinking

• Either we try to deny the information that is inconsistent with our self-image, or we do the opposite: we take in the information in a way that exaggerates its importance to an incapacitating degree
• Clinging to a purely positive identity leaves no place in our self-concept for negative feedback or growth.

step 1: become aware of identity issues:

• What about your identity feels at risk? What might it say about you? How would it feel if what you fear were true?

step 2: complexify your self-image

• is Ben loyal or is he a sellout? Both of those labels are simplifications that can’t capture the complexity of the endless interactions Ben has had with the many people in his life. He has made many sacrifices for his family and many for his boss. He has worked weekends, turned down other job offers, worked hard to help the company recruit top talent. The list of things Ben has done that indicate loyalty is long indeed.
• Ben has multiple identities that matter to him, and in certain situations, their requirements may conflict and create dilemmas

3 things to accept about yourself:

• you will make mistakes
• your intention is complex
• you have contributed to the problem